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My first year of working in a high school is coming to a close, and I’m finding myself sentimental as graduation and senior excitement has descended. Who am I kidding? I get sentimental every year during graduation season. You see, when I graduated high school, I was class valedictorian.
I don’t say this in a bragging sort of way. It meant that I had to give a 15-minute speech to around 1,000 people sharing my supposed documented wisdom among my fellow 17- and 18-year-old friends and their families. I don’t have problems talking to or in front of people—Betty will tell you that. However, I will never understand why someone who is 17 or 18 (17 in my case) years old is expected to stand in front of an audience and speak as a life authority because they had good grades. Looking back, I don’t know if I had the authority to speak on much of anything. I don’t remember most of what I said, though I know Betty has the speech somewhere. I hope it was good.
Here’s what I wish I had said:
You’ve probably been told that now is the time to “find yourself.” Guess what? That’s an ongoing process. When you’re trying to figure out who you really are, you don’t have to look very far, because you are God’s child, and He is your heavenly Father. Remember that first and foremost, and you’ll be fine. Knowing that assures you who you can call on and your path will be directed. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
When you do that, everything else pretty much follows.
That being said, you won’t always know the answer to things—and that’s okay. Again, you don’t have to look very far. Seek His word; because that’s one way you really get to know your Father. Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “When all else fails, read the instructions.” Get out your Bibles, my friends. This is where the real wisdom is found. I can’t think of anything I’ve ever had a question about that the Bible couldn’t answer. And if you need further clarification, pray to Him and ask! I promise He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want when you want, but you will hear from Him. He loves you, and He’s not in the business of leaving His children hanging (check out Amos 3:7). That’s just the beginning. You should be seeking Him everywhere. Just look at Hebrews 11:6:
“But without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.”
We are a society that likes rewards. I can’t imagine anything greater than a reward from the One who invented rewards. You can bet anything He comes up with is going to be better than anything we could have come up with. In fact, He is the greatest reward! I can’t wait to get to Heaven and have my very own endless Cool Whip cloud to sit on and eat without gaining weight or my blood sugar being high (that’s what I used to think Heaven was like when I was little)!
You will make mistakes. You might even make big ones. It’s a big world out there, and there are a lot of things out there to tempt you. When it feels like the world is condemning you, remember: it’s not about the world. It’s about the Father who bought and paid for you with the blood of His own son. We are not perfect people—that’s why He gave His only Son. He’s not having a board meeting with Jesus and the apostles because He thinks you’re a lost cause and a bad seed. Not at all! He knew our paths before we even walked them, and yet He wanted us to be part of His family anyway. Wow! In fact, Ephesians 5:8 says,
“For at one time, you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.”
Nothing you could ever do could change that, so don’t let the enemy tell you that lie.
Sometimes, life is hard. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world. Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get on our knees and pray. Have you ever noticed when things are going really bad, we’re inclined to say, “Oh God, help me!”? I think it’s because deep down, we know we’re not alone. If you need confirmation, look no further than Matthew 28:20:
“Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
It says it right there: we are not alone. So often, it feels like we are very much alone. I know when I left home and went to college, that was exactly what I felt—alone. I didn’t have anyone telling me what to do anymore; I was surrounded by a lot of new and intimidating people, and taking a full load of classes that were difficult. I was used to Betty following me around (the way mothers do), being surrounded by friends, and school being a breeze. This was a complete culture shock! I didn’t know what to do, so I spun out of control. For the next 10-plus years.
I am here to tell you: you aren’t alone. When you feel that way open that bible, and reach out to someone else whom also knows Jesus. Ask them to pray with you and for you. Hit your knees. I’m not saying life is going to become breezy, but you will understand that He’s there, that He will bring you through whatever trial comes your way, and that He will use it for His good.
Things will happen in the right time. Again, we are a society that likes rewards. We want what we want yesterday. I have a list of things that I would give my eyeteeth if they would happen RIGHTNOW. But for some reasons--not all of which I’m clear about--it’s not the season. Ecclesiastes 13 pretty much spells out that there’s a time for everything. However, we don’t get to decide the time—which is a good thing. A lot of times, we try to manipulate time—I can definitely vouch for that one; I can also vouch for the fact that it didn’t work out very well. Patience has never been one of my strong suits, but I can at least say
Thank God. Every day. Early and often. This verse is what made me stop and say, “I have to include this point.”
Psalm 63:3 “Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You”
That’s right, my lips are going to praise Him. He is better than life. I have accomplished nothing without Him—not even being class valedictorian. My life has been made rich because of Him. My life has been made possible because of Him. I’m not even talking about birth. Friends: I’ve been suicidal, but He is the reason I’ve lived to see another day. There have been a number of times that, according to medical science, I shouldn’t even be here. But I am. And I love that He has a purpose for me. And I’m going to sing, dance, fist pump, jump off furniture, and everything else because I couldn’t be happier or more thankful for that.
Class of 2016: I think my 15 minutes are up. If I could give that speech again—of course knowing what I know now—that is what I would have said. However, it’s okay, because I can say it to you now—a few years later. I’m still not sure I would consider myself an “authority” on anything, but I know God is using everything I’ve experienced in life for His good. I hope something in here has encouraged some of you. Regardless, I now know who I am in Christ and that He loves me. I know that life is still going to be hard sometimes, but I know I don’t have to do it alone, either. Neither do you. All of that being said, I say, go forward, be thankful and be fruitful.
Many of you know that I’m a school nurse—more specifically, a high school nurse. If you didn’t know that, well now you do. I’ve been in my current position for four years, but this is my first full year in a high school. I spent the last three years working primarily in elementary schools; as you probably know, those two experiences are quite different.
Someone asked me this weekend what it was like to work in a high school. They said, “I bet it’s easier since you can talk to them.” While this is true, I found myself saying, “I work with a lot of kids who have a lot of adult problems.” That really struck me--but I’ll come back to that.
I should mention that when I got the call over the summer that I would be moving from my beloved elementary school of the past three years—where I was part of a tight-knit community—to a high school that has been considered less affluent, I was nervous, I was unsure, but mostly, I was ANGRY. I was angry that I would be taken from my home without any consultation from me. I was angry that I would no longer have kids drawing pictures for me (that I still have, by the way) and giving me hugs that would make me smile all the way home. I was angry that they were going to put someone who is frequently mistaken as a high school student with high school students. I was angry that I was going to be thrown into a world I wanted to keep at arm’s length: teenage pregnancy and STDs, drugs and substance abuse, and kids beating the snot out of one another—just to name a few. In fact, I remember looking up the sky with my best scowl and letting God know exactly what I thought about this whole thing. I was hoping to change His mind.
On August 24, 2015, I went back to high school—as an adult.
This school year has been interesting, to say the least. I have to be vague, but I have seen kids at their highest (take that however you will), and at their lowest. I have seen physical scars of a life that’s really hard and there doesn’t seem to be another way out but to self-injure. I’ve seen fighting, and kids who want to fight more—even after they’ve been separated from their original target. I’ve had people ask me questions for which I don’t really have answers. Like I said before: kids with adult problems.
My breaking point came last week when I was approached for help for one matter, but it turned into something completely different that could have had some pretty serious ramifications. So there I was, in a position I don’t like to be in: the bad guy.
My office is often used as the counseling center, but that day, I found myself looking for a counselor. In fact, I barged into the office of one with whom I have a pretty good relationship, shut the door, and did something that comes off as a big no-no for nurses: I cried. Before I knew it, I was pouring out my feelings and doubts of the school year:
“They really messed up by sending me here. There’s nothing I can do to help these kids. These kids got the short end of the stick. Why didn’t they send someone here who knew how to deal with all this?” Inside, I was crying to God, “Why? Why? What can I possibly do to fix all of this? Show me why You want me here!”
When the counselor was finished consoling me, I realized I was thinking about one of my favorite hymns growing up—“Here I Am, Lord”. I’ll get into the lyrics in a minute, but the song is based on 1 Samuel 3—the story in which Samuel hears the Lord call to him three times. The first two times, Samuel answers with “Here I am”. However, Samuel thinks it is Eli who is calling him. Each time, Eli assures Samuel that he did not call him. After the second calling, Eli tells Samuel, “Go, lie down; and it shall be, if He calls you, that you must say, ‘Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears.’” On the third call, Samuel said as he was instructed, and the Lord gave him a prophecy.
In the morning, Eli did call Samuel, and he answered, “Here I am.” Eli asked Samuel to tell him exactly what the Lord told him—and he did, leaving nothing out. And he added, “It is the Lord. Let Him do what seems good to Him.”
Samuel submitted completely to the Lord. At no point was it recorded that Samuel scowled at the Lord, or begged him to go seek someone else. Samuel accepted that this was the Lord’s will and submitted: “Here I am, Lord.” I take this as, “Okay, Lord—I heard you and I’m here. Tell me what you need or want me to do, and I will do as you say.”
So how does this help me, or anyone who has ever found themselves in my predicament? Here is a verse from “Here I Am, Lord” that gets me every time:
I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain.
I have wept for love of them, they turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak My word to them
Whom shall I send?
When I look at it that way, I am deeply humbled—and somewhat embarrassed. I’m embarrassed because God is pretty passionate that He needs someone to hold His hurting people in their hearts. Who am I to say, “But you don’t need me”? Let me tell you: I see hearts of stone all the time. God needs His people to know that he has—and does—bear their pain. He weeps at their hurt. He knows there are kids who don’t know what it’s like to have parents who love them, food on the table, clothes to stay warm or even basic safety. He knows there are kids who thought they might have found the love and closeness they so desperately want in sex, drugs, violence, or any other number of sources that aren’t from Him. For various reasons--some of which only He knows right now--He thought the person who should hold this group in their heart should be me.
And my answer should be this:
Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
To answer my earlier question “What can I do to fix all this?” The fact is: I can’t fix it all. I realized that isn't that the role He has for me. However, I can pray. I can bring Him into my school every single day (and I’ve been doing this more) by saying, “Lord, please be in this school today. Please have me go where you would want me and do what you would want me to do—especially if I don’t think I can do it.” And if you don’t think I keep a Bible in my desk for more of His presence, you are mistaken.
I want to close out with this: there is a reason you are wherever you are in life. Where you are may be really hard and you may be wondering how He could use any of what you’re going through to disciple someone else. I’ve had some pretty tough life circumstances, but I’ve found that when you can look someone in the eye and say, “I know how that feels, but I know He is with you” you’ve witnessed in a way no else can. Likewise, He has used where I’m at to allow someone else to minister to me. In some ways, these kids are ministering to me--I definitely didn’t expect that. I have learned that if I say, “Here I am, Lord,” things more powerful than I could ever have imagined begin to happen.
Here I am, Lord. Thank you for calling me.